Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

19

May

If anyone is in denial that they have gained weight here, I would like you to look at this picture and take a deep breath, because here is the reason. Oh, and you have gained weight.

If anyone is in denial that they have gained weight here, I would like you to look at this picture and take a deep breath, because here is the reason. Oh, and you have gained weight.

Two can play that game

So I am almost positive that none of you know this because my mother is probably taking this one to the grave but within her first hour of being in Shanghai my mother was scammed.  Amy Block fell for the most well known and highly-publicized scam in Asia where a Chinese couple pretends they are students, asks you to practice their English with them, and then invites you to join them for tea.  After an hour of banter, you are left footing a $100 tea bill.  I am sure all of you have at this point googled this, and yes it is the number one scam.  My mother claims that it was worth the money and she had a lot of fun, I just see it as the tea better have been unbelievable.  I felt I owed it to her to somehow pay her back for her mistake, and the opportunity presented itself the other day.  At the fake market, a woman wanted 5000 kuai for two bags, which is an absurd amount. After telling me that the price was non-negotiable she noticed a Cartier bracelet on my arm.  She asked me to sell it to her because to buy anything real in this country racks you up an exorbitant bill.  I told her I would make her a deal, I would trade her my bracelet for two bags, she accepted this exchange.  Little did she know the bracelet on my wrist was fake, cost me 100 kuai, and I just went right downstairs after our little transaction and bought a new one.  I feel like my mother’s stupidity has now been avenged and I can sleep easy at night. Oh and all of her friends reading this right now, she has an entire photo shoot of her tea date on her phone so do not hesitate to ask to see!

17

Apr

My closets beginning to look like the trunk of a car in Chinatown.

The Boss.

The Boss.

It is almost unfair that Chinese people are so clueless.  You can tell them anything and they will believe you.  Exhibit A, Shanghai had its first visitor, David Shuman, who came all the way from the Great Barrier Reef to grace us with his presence.  David bares a striking resemblance to Ben Affleck or a number of NBA players, therefore we obviously told everyone this is who he was.  So I can say I hung out with a celebrity for a week and all the Chinese people who are bragging to their friends and had their picture taken with him, which is now hanging in their living room, can do the same.

Yep, this could probably get you arrested.

Yep, this could probably get you arrested.

David Krauss is the biggest trooper I know.  Kid ditched his crutches and climbed the Great Wall.  You’re only in China once, that is until you’re sucked into staying here for two years to teach English and live like a king.

David Krauss is the biggest trooper I know.  Kid ditched his crutches and climbed the Great Wall.  You’re only in China once, that is until you’re sucked into staying here for two years to teach English and live like a king.

For all of Amy’s friends reading this

Yes, your friend Amy Block took the Chinese subway with 200 Chinese smelly people after walking the Great Wall of China. Of course this means that this was after an entire day of me and Jeff pissing her off.  Give her a pat on the back when she gets home, she deserves it!

How has there not been a deuschy Jewish orthodontist that has monopolized on this?


The Blocks finally made it over to China, where I met them in Beijing for the weekend. After me and Jeff climbed the entire Great Wall when Amy died out, for fear of ruining her hair, we made our way over to the fake market.  Jeff was like a kid in a candy shop, racking up two pairs of Tods and some Hermes ties.  Being strong, white, male, Jewish, and vulnerable is one of the worst make-ups in the fake market.  No amount of love and seduction by Amy could rival the attention my dad was getting.  When we got to the electronics section, my dad was determined to buy a pair of beats.  Mind you, that my dad does not listen to music, nor does he even own an ipod.  After buying six pairs, my dad got the idea that he should buy 20 beats for everyone on his trading desk.  Out of the back emerged what appeared to be THE CLOSER.  A women followed my dad around for two hours until she went down to 25 kuai a pair ($4.50).  This was the sale that determined her career.  We finally talked my dad out of buying them, as he is clearly out of touch with the 28 year olds he works with who obviously already have real beats.  If you know Jeff, would not be too surprised if he goes back purely to piss off Amy and buys them.  As pictured above, Jeff Loves Beijing and has now been photographed in the Far East in every golf resort shirt and the infamous Dunder Mifflin shirt.

The Blocks finally made it over to China, where I met them in Beijing for the weekend. After me and Jeff climbed the entire Great Wall when Amy died out, for fear of ruining her hair, we made our way over to the fake market.  Jeff was like a kid in a candy shop, racking up two pairs of Tods and some Hermes ties.  Being strong, white, male, Jewish, and vulnerable is one of the worst make-ups in the fake market.  No amount of love and seduction by Amy could rival the attention my dad was getting.  When we got to the electronics section, my dad was determined to buy a pair of beats.  Mind you, that my dad does not listen to music, nor does he even own an ipod.  After buying six pairs, my dad got the idea that he should buy 20 beats for everyone on his trading desk.  Out of the back emerged what appeared to be THE CLOSER.  A women followed my dad around for two hours until she went down to 25 kuai a pair ($4.50).  This was the sale that determined her career.  We finally talked my dad out of buying them, as he is clearly out of touch with the 28 year olds he works with who obviously already have real beats.  If you know Jeff, would not be too surprised if he goes back purely to piss off Amy and buys them.  As pictured above, Jeff Loves Beijing and has now been photographed in the Far East in every golf resort shirt and the infamous Dunder Mifflin shirt.

Chinese people do not find diapers, as they do many things, a necessary expense.  Therefore, many Chinese children simply have slits in their pants in order to easily squat curbside for a pee.  There are many times, such as during intermission at a broadway show, where I wish that this was a universal social norm.  Thoughts?

Chinese people do not find diapers, as they do many things, a necessary expense.  Therefore, many Chinese children simply have slits in their pants in order to easily squat curbside for a pee.  There are many times, such as during intermission at a broadway show, where I wish that this was a universal social norm.  Thoughts?

14

Apr

The Great Block of China does the Great Wall of China.

The Great Block of China does the Great Wall of China.

12

Apr

Standard Asian at the club pass out.  No matter what night you go out or what venue you go to there are bound to be a minimum of three Asians passed out throughout the club our outside the club.  Most find that the bathroom is the most comfortable spot for the Asian pass out (as displayed above). I have to note that this must be a continental trend throughout Asia, as my trip to Korea proved that this problem is a growing epidemic.  Not only were Koreans passed out in clubs, they were often found passed out right in the middle of the sidewalk surrounded by friends laughing at them

11

Apr

Old habits die hard, I guess. Even half way across the world I still cant kick the fact that I was born to be a mom and will forever engage in activities with women many years my senior that validate this claim.  After class I go to the gym where I am roughly one of ten people working out in the entire place.  Although there are many claims that there is an obesity problem in China, I have yet to see it.  All I see are emaciated individuals, who have never stepped foot in a gym, chowing down on fried food and noodles (I love my life).  Pictured above are the women who everyday at 12:30 elliptical while gossiping behind me about how smart their one son is and how to make killer jiaozi.  Therefore, it is validated that it is a universal obligation that a non-working mom’s only task is their daily trip to the gym.  But unlike my mother and her ridiculously toned friends who pay a hefty fee for pillaties, bar, bikram, and spinning classes, these women are new to the realm of working out.  These women are at the gym for a timed 20 minutes which entails walking on a treadmill at a 3.2 speed. I break more of a sweat watching and laughing at them then they do in their 20 minute workout.  I am pretty sure the only real reason they go to the gym is to hang out in the glorified locker room after.  There is a no clothes policy in the locker room, which I have of course broken, and from my observations, waxing places will go out of business in the near future. I give you this time to paint your own picture of what you think this looks like.

Old habits die hard, I guess. Even half way across the world I still cant kick the fact that I was born to be a mom and will forever engage in activities with women many years my senior that validate this claim.  After class I go to the gym where I am roughly one of ten people working out in the entire place.  Although there are many claims that there is an obesity problem in China, I have yet to see it.  All I see are emaciated individuals, who have never stepped foot in a gym, chowing down on fried food and noodles (I love my life).  Pictured above are the women who everyday at 12:30 elliptical while gossiping behind me about how smart their one son is and how to make killer jiaozi.  Therefore, it is validated that it is a universal obligation that a non-working mom’s only task is their daily trip to the gym.  But unlike my mother and her ridiculously toned friends who pay a hefty fee for pillaties, bar, bikram, and spinning classes, these women are new to the realm of working out.  These women are at the gym for a timed 20 minutes which entails walking on a treadmill at a 3.2 speed. I break more of a sweat watching and laughing at them then they do in their 20 minute workout.  I am pretty sure the only real reason they go to the gym is to hang out in the glorified locker room after.  There is a no clothes policy in the locker room, which I have of course broken, and from my observations, waxing places will go out of business in the near future. I give you this time to paint your own picture of what you think this looks like.